i wonder sometimes...

i watched this dr. phil last week
it was horrible
i cried through pretty much the whole thing
it was this mom who was awful to her kids
AWFUL
i can’t even write what she did & said
i hear it in my head
but to say it or describe it would be too hard
i know it’s not the worst thing that happens to kids
but i just imagine those things
this i had to see
because she had a camera in her house

anyway
i had seen the commercial for it
& decided i didn’t want to watch it
but i turned on the tv anyway
i really just wanted to see what dr.phil would say to her
what i had seen on the commercials was bad enough
but when i turned it on it was in the worst part
& i couldn’t look away
i turned it off at one point & put my hand over my eyes
but then i turned it on again
i hated it
& i went down & talked to brian who was watching it in the garage
& who gave me a hug
& said maybe i shouldn’t watch it
then i went & hugged my napping kids
& Q (who wasn’t actually napping)
was a little perplexed i think
but that doesn’t matter because
who doesn’t need more hugs in the middle of their nap time
& for someone to say
‘i love you, you are my favorite boy’?

what i really wanted was for dr. phil to bash her
i wanted someone to punch her in the face
i wanted someone to hit her
& yell at her like she yelled at her kids
but dr. phil told her she wasn’t evil
(i said ‘yes she is!’)
that she needed help
he would get it for her
i was a little disappointed in dr. phil to be honest

for days after i watched
i would hear the things she said in my head
sometimes when i looked at Q i would hear what she said
& i couldn’t believe
that she would say these things to her sweet little babies

i felt like that show haunted me
i thought it was a mistake that i watched it
& that i would be paying for it for a long time
because now it was in my head

i thought it was a mistake until today

i am reading this book
blue like jazz
it had been recommended to me by my dear friend rachael
& brian read it by a recommendation from his best friend dave
brian told me i should read it
he really wanted me to
i said okay
& proceeded to not read it
but then i decided to.
my procrastination is everything here.
the timing.
i guess sometimes even the bad traits are used for good:)

this book is incredible
that’s what i say after every chapter
it’s subtitle is
'nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality'
it is startling & thought provoking
i will write more about it later
maybe
or maybe you should just read it…

anyway
he’s talking about the verse
‘love your neighbor as yourself’
& how you can’t really love your neighbor until you love yourself
my pastor says this same thing
so does oprah
& i always think
‘that is so right.
yes.’
but i don’t really know how to love myself
what does that look like?
it sounds very cocky
& not humble
it’s kind of confusing

today it came together for me
i have been talking to myself the way that that woman was talking to her kids
horribley
unexcusabley
very badly
& that is not okay

i might not know how to love myself
but would i ever say the things i think about myself to brian?
to angie?
to kate?
to rachael?

would i EVER treat my family, my friends, my neighbors the way i treat myself?
N-O.

God loves me with a love that is unexplainable
& really hard to understand
because it isn’t based on what i think about myself
or anything i do
i have a hard time with that

obviously i don’t have this figured out
maybe i never will
but i know that i’m going to stop treating myself like an abusive mother treats her kids
& i’m going to try to interrupt my own naps
& say ’i love you, you are my favorite emily’
or something like that

i am God’s child
& i wouldn’t want my kids talking crap about themselves
so why am i talking crap about His kid?

i’m going to stop
& think you should too
because you are loved
wholey & dearly loved.
you are.